So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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