I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
