If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
