if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
