im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Welp...herpes.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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