You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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