I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
