she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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