Yo dont text me then not text me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
