The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
