u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
