Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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