Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
