So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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