Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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