And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
