How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
