I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
