first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
