I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
