I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
