I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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