I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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