I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
