He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
