just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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