i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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