I looked at my own cervix.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
