One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
