What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
