I'm so fucking centered right now
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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