He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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