The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
