I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
