We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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