The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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