The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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