i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
