Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
