His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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