I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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