i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
