Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
