how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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