I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
