closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
