I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize