I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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