Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
