I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How naked do you want me to be?
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