I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
