Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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