i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
