The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
