do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
