I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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