What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
