yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
