Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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